I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize