Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You need Xanax blowdarts
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
