You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Are we in a gay sports bar?
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
