Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
