umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
