I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
