I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize