I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
