i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
