she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
