i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
