I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
