I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
