When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
