i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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