I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
