I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
