why do cheetos always look like penises
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
