Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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