woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
