my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
