i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
