He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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