I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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