OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
