I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize