is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
