You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
