I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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