Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
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