i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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