Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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