she was so not down for the gang bang
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
