My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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