I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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