my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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