You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
