If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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