I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Randomize
