If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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