They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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