oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
