Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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