new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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