I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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