what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
