I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
