I faked an abortion last night.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Randomize
