i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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