how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize