After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
