i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
