i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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