I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
