Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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