dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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