i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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