i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Randomize
