all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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