I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Randomize