I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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